The shape of his Blue Origin rocket was reminiscent of something I used to see regularly in my youth but not for quite a few years now. Sir - Watching William (Captain Kirk) Shatner going oldly into space at 90 certainly took me back. Sir - Why is everything to do with Northern Ireland so boring?

It has become a little like God to me: I believe in its existence but there is no direct evidence to support my faith.вЂ™ He writes: вЂIвЂ™m a little overweight myself and last saw my sword of passion in the late summer of 2006. Droop-ShanksвЂ™s recent Drone lament about losing touch with a body part he used to flaunt in his youth has been echoed by Sunday Times columnist Rod Liddle. I shouted to zem to fuck off but it fell on deaf ears.

I spotted some of your classy readers on ze back seat! Must go. On my vissel-stop tour round UK plugging my brilliant, timeless stuff (Eroica, Pastoral, Fidelio, loads of fantastic piano pieces), I came across ze Everly Pregnant Brothers of Sheffield playing вЂњthe 69 to RovvrumвЂќ. Sir - Danke schon, Drone, for giving my вЂњOde to JoyвЂќ an airing mit ze Ukulele Orchestra of Great Britain. OK, so how do I get them on my 1990s pay-as-you-go Nokia? Sir - According to a Torygraph report 'ageist' GPs think oldies are missing out on health apps because they can't handle smartphones. Never know when I might be kicked out of my latest apartment for making such a splendid noise! Hitch my useless lugholes to zis apparatus and I will be able to hear the prolonged, rapturous, adoring applause for my timeless, brilliant stuff. LvB here, just ordering a pair of your super deaf aids I saw in ze Drone. Sir - Just vot I vonted, as you say in English. He may like to know that the longest word that can be typed using only the top letters row on the qwerty keyboard is, amazingly: TYPEWRITER. Sir - Drone readers will be delighted to learn that Tom Hanks collects typewriters. He vos forced to turn it into a symphony vis a 90-piece orchestra und 200-voice Weinersangerknaben (und no banjos) because the EU vanted to use it as its Schengen Anthem. Liebe Herr Editor - Ludwig needs to come clean! Effrybody knows Ode to Joy vos just a little plink-plink ditty for solo banjo vich he hoped would help him legover his romantic Bavarian jungfrau Joey de Veever. S ir - Now that the worldвЂ™s leaders have decided to slash methane emissions by 30% does that mean we all have to burp and fart 30% less on a daily basis? The move will surely have a deflationary effect - If youвЂ™ll excuse the expression - on the popularity of the traditional British vindaloo takeaway. Sir - I was delighted when the kind people at the Inland Revenue wroteВ toВ meВ recently, telling me that myВ tax return wasВ вЂoutstanding' particularly since IВ can't even remember sending it in. I tell you the world is going bat-shit fucking crazy. Sir - I write to decry the lamentable deterioration of English, with the adoption of crude and offensive American-style invective replacing the graceful and civilised language in which we once conducted our public discourse. FileВ Cos under 'CвЂ™В IcebergВ under 'I' and so on. A clever way to store lettuce, cabbageВ and the like is to individually punch holes in the leavesВ and place them in a ring binder in the fridge. Sir - I wish to make it clear I am neither related, nor in any way connected, to the small Frenchman who was recently seen around Glasgow stamping his foot and smelling of fish. He ends: вЂNot sure about the WelshвЂ¦but then, who is?вЂ™ S ir - My friend, the Venerable Thackery, has come up with a solution for the fact that our Rugby nations are populated with many non home-grown players.Д¬an one really describe those players as English, Irish and so on? He suggests a simple dash would suffice.

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